Sweet Pea did NOT earn her nickname today. The tantrums started when we attempted to take her to Sunday school. She refused to let go of her daddy, or me. I stayed with her during music time, trying to get her to engage. And then she panicked when it was time to go down to the room. (Determined she isn’t ready for Sunday school. That’s okay.)
The day just went downhill from there. It became obvious that her clingy behavior and bad attitude was because she hadn’t had a bowel movement in a while, but every time we put her on the toilet, she fights like a tiger instead of relaxes. I even tried to let her watch a show on my iPod while she was sitting there, to no avail. She just won’t have anything of it. In between attempts, she wouldn’t listen, was argumentative and particular, and threw several fits. Finally, I saw the signs that a BM was imminent, and managed to get her on the potty and hold her there (against her wishes) while also hugging her and trying to be reassuring, and the poop came out. Usually, that is enough for her behavior to drastically improve, but today, it just seemed to get worse, and we had more meltdowns than I care to count.
Unfortunately – and this is the hardest part – Mommy melted down several times, too. I remember feeling, sometime around age 11 or 12, like I’d finally mastered my temper, and that it didn’t rear its ugly red head very often any more. That monster has apparently been sleeping for the last 20 years, lying in wait for me to have a daughter that pushes my buttons. I’m not proud of it, but I yelled and I threatened, and I threw away her backpack. I didn’t hurt her and I wouldn’t hurt her. But I certainly didn’t like her today and was ready to put her in a box and ship her to Siberia.
I don’t want my daughter to fear me or pick up my bad habits. I’ve already seen how my less than stellar behavior becomes hers. Yet, whether intentional or not, she wore me and my patience down beyond the place where I had any left. And I feel like a terrible mother, one that shouldn’t be allowed to bring home this new little life inside me. With Sweet Pea, I felt like I was bringing her into a loving stable home. And I did: my husband and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage, friendship and partnership. But Sweet Pea’s presence has shaken up my stability – not with my husband but within myself.
I pray it will get better rather than worse when I actually have the opportunity to set some real routines with her, and maybe get to know her better. Sometimes I feel like my daughter is a stranger since she spends so much of her weekdays with someone else. And maybe I’ll have a better chance to reach inside of myself and find the storehouse of patience I think is there.
I know I’m not the only mom who’s lost it, and I know I’m not the worst mom ever to walk the earth. I’m totally with claretaylor15 when she posts about her own temper tantrum.
So Moms and Dads, how to do you calm yourself when you’re ready to blow?